I want to love everyone

Afterward, the invisible strings that hold our friends together become a mess of cobwebs I can’t make sense of.

I wake up for days thinking: today’s the day. He’ll call. Regret everything. Begin to earn the forgiveness I am holding in store, under my collarbone, in wait.

But days blend into weeks blend into months and my biggest, hugest, deepest forgiveness calcifies, layer onto layer.

I want to love everyone. But I won’t wait.

You were the first thing I never forgave.

I have never known how to hate and I don’t know how to be cruel. I only know how to withhold, and I promise to never give you another drop of love as long as I live. I save that for myself.

I once made you cry just by keeping my smile in my pocket, and that’s when I knew, softness cuts too.

I feel no simmering anger, no deep regret — but I will keep myself safe, and I will never forget.